“Haven’t you figured out where those come from?”
“Are those all yours?”
“You know you can do that just for fun.”
I tried to laugh and say, “We baby proof our house but they’re still getting in.” or “I’m the coproducer of seven tax deductions.”
I’m talking about raising little ones here.
We were moving into a new neighborhood with four kids ages 18 months, 3, 4, and 5. As the boxes came off the truck I met a new neighbor, Tiko. He told me some people down the street had three kids under age 5. I shook my head and listened as he shared how he couldn’t believe people could have that many kids....
I often do that with people who bring up the subject. I enjoy hearing their thoughts and allowing them to learn about me later.
One of my favorite compliments was when someone thought my 8 year old daughter was my niece. Sadly, I knew the reason was because I was well dressed, really happy and detached, and just enjoying my precious girl.
My message today will come with resistance for some of you. You may see me as insensitive or even uncaring. Please bear with me. You are exactly the ones who need to hear it.
Why is it that so many of us have gone to some kind of therapy or group and found ourselves needing to share some of our mommy issues? Those of you who have done this after the child rearing years, have already passed along many of the same issues you needed help with.
The reason I preface with such a serious statements is that because this is serious. Science confirms that every time we feel fear, anger, worry, or any of the negative emotions, the baby in our womb is less likely to thrive. Every time our kids see us lose it, they feel insecure. That’s bad. We do not want that.
“But kids are resilient,” you say.
That may be so, but why add more negatives for them to have to recover from or worse yet, get used to. Getting used to a negative patterns in Mom can do great damage to the children’s future potential for happiness.
The good news is that the solution is much easier than you think, but often the last thing that “good” moms do.
Let’s get specific
Sorry, I’m not going to give you a list of bullets like:
- Go on a weekly date with your spouse.
- Pray or meditate every morning before the kids wake up.
- Take a nap when the kids do.
- Do my video workouts three times a week.
The real solution is a lot more basic.
It lies in taking time to listen to our thoughts and knowing how you feel. To go to the feeling place. Ask yourself as if you are asking your friend, “How do you feel right now?”
That is where we begin. We must learn to identify our feelings. If you aren’t comfortable with that or you don’t know how, you’re like most people. If you don’t want to, you’re signing up for big problems.
If your pretty comfortable articulating or just knowing how you feel, practice it. Get a feelings journal started. But don’t stay there!
That next step is to train your thinking away from thoughts that don’t make you feel good. Take some action to distract yourself from thoughts that are critical, worried, angry, or whatever; try to think of positive aspects of that person or situation.
“But it's true!” you say.
“This did happen!"
"He did say that!"
"They are doing that!”
“This did happen!"
"He did say that!"
"They are doing that!”
Many of us are trained to constantly problem solve. This keeps us in a mode of looking for bad things to be concerned about. Praying for someone’s bad situation can become a preoccupation with the problem rather than believing for the solution.
If a bad thing is true and we allow it to effect our day, who are we helping? Not sure, but I know who we are hurting. Our little ones experience their world through us and our reactions to it.
The solution comes now. New Moms, this is especially for you: Do whatever you can do to feel good all day long.
Oh I can hear the reactions of some of you. “How the heck am I supposed to do that?” “Are you crazy?” “This must be some New Age stuff.”
Let me know what you think. I’m willing to take some heat for the sake of the little ones.
